‘THE PERFECT WHIPPET’

January 6th, 2006

by Mr Frank Pieterse - Statuesque kennels in Sydney, NSW
Reproduced with permission
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Let’s face it; we are all trying to breed the perfect Whippet. Theoretically, this dog or bitch will win ‘Best In Show’ every time it is entered and take its lucky owner to fame and fortune in the dog world.

It’s probably best to approach the problem scientifically, because Judges aren’t perfect. In fact they are rather complicated creatures who come from all parts of the world with all sorts of strange ideas about what they are looking for. A lot of them don’t even know what they are looking for, and need help. We therefore need to design a Whippet that solves all these problems and makes everybody happy, regardless of whether they know what they are looking for or not.

The first requirement of the perfect Whippet is the handler. How many times have you come out of the ring cursing that the Judge didn’t like something about you. If you are an attractive young woman your chance of succeeding under an older woman are in inverse proportion to the extent of your voluptuousness and the lady Judges middle age.

Not so however, if you are a spunky young guy - tall, dark and handsome and cutting a dashing figure in a pair of tight jeans. The old darling will probably go out of her way to put you up, just for a whimsical smile and a bit of appreciative body language. Let’s face it; she won’t get it any other way. Conversely, the voluptuous young lady hasn’t got a chance - she is just going to remind the dear old thing of what would or might have been fourty years ago. By the way, the above proposition works in reverse if the Judge is gay and/or an older man.

Therefore the ideal handler is a good looking young sort with an hour-glass figure who has the benefit of a six foot two inch ‘Adonis’ as a boyfriend; just to make sure you will cover all situations. It wouldn’t do any harm if they are both closely related to the Club President and a senior member of the nearest canine control body (it’s optional however).

Now, let’s look at the actual dog. My many years of research, travel and study have failed to unearth anyone who can draw an outline for the perfect Whippet. The Standard just complicates the problem and, although everyone thinks they know, no such outline has ever been agreed on or indeed drawn. God help the poor fool that drew the outline for the new standard.. Would you take that poor, God forsaken thing home? No; it’s better left to illustrate the standard.

You’re tearing your hair out with frustration by now. “Pieterse” you say, “we can’t design the perfect Whippet because no one agrees!”. Nonsense! Pull yourself together and come to the drawing board. You’ll be amazed at what we can agree on.

Everyone, regardless of what the standard says, secretly wants dark eyes. So, let’s give it black eyes. The Yanks love them to use their ears, so our perfect Whippet must bait. Pommies hate brindle and prefer fawn, The Yanks prefer brindle parti-colour, but don’t mind fawn parti colour. The Scandinavians don’t care, the Europeans don’t know.

So let’s make it a fawn parti-colour with a saddle, well placed on the show side (just for the Yanks). Everybody except for the Europeans (who don’t know) and some of the old timers who have lost touch, hate ‘cut-away’ top lines. So let’s give it a nice, shapely, ‘non’ cut-away top line and a matching shapely underline.

“Wish we could do that” say the Yanks. “Only proper” say the Pomms. The Scandinavians don’t care as long as it’s imported from the U.K., the Australians don’t care, as long as it’s imported from anywhere, and the Europeans don’t know. I know you think I am giving the European Judge a hard time. Therefore our perfect Whippet will have lots of teeth so the European Judge can happily count them and show how clever he is. In this respect, the Europeans know, and nobody else cares.

It’s got to move nicely you say. Indeed.. Dead sound, coming and going, for the Yanks; nice side-on extension for the Aussies (and some Yanks). The Scandinavians don’t care, as long as it’s imported, and the Pomms and Europeans don’t know. Confidentially, the Pomms really do know, but they just want to sell it for the highest price to an American buyer.

Finally, the perfect Whippet must be well known; just in case the Judge doesn’t recognise him. So an essential component is global advertising, preferably every week, with the handler in the photo as insurance, just in case the judge is really, really dumb.

So you see, it’s not at all hard. When McDonald’s pretended they’re giving you the secret of how to make their French fries (first start with a potato from Tasmania) they don’t really mean it. Aside from leaving out the little bit of insignificant detail for space reasons, I hope I have been able to genuinely help every serious breeder with this little article.

Remember however, above all, the most important quality needed by the breeder of the perfect Whippet is this -

“Always take yourself seriously!”

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